Batman and Robin to the Rescue
by sweet-and-simple
Summary: Crack!  In a world where angels and demons and humans live side by side and barbeques set out everything from rocks to bottled air for guests, Dean and Sam Winchester go to meet their boyfriends' father.  Gabriel/Sam Castiel/Dean Michael Lucifer GOD


In a world where angels and demons and humans live side by side and barbeques set out everything from rocks to bottled air for guests, Dean and Sam Winchester go to meet their boyfriends' father. Such was the plan. And so the plan went.

Thus the Winchesters met GOD in his study, Gabriel with his arm hooked around Sam's waist and Castiel squeezing the bones out of Dean's hand. Puny mortals that they were in the face of a personification of religion, they kept their eyes carefully downcast. Or maybe that was just because GOD didn't seem to care if He melted their eyeballs out or not with His pure brilliance.

The glimpse they did get of Him was very surprising, however. GOD looked like an Asian businessman, all ancient rugged lines and Ive-seen-worlds-burn-and-die-too-many-times-to-care-about-you-insignificant-beings glares. His hair was somewhat long and dark, His suit pristine, His loafers were _definitely_ made of black snakeskin, and His eyebrows needed a good plucking.

"WHAT IS IT, MY SONS?" He demanded in a harsh, booming voice that made Sam and Dean wince.

"Father," Castiel began carefully, "we have met our m-"

"IT IS NOT POSSIBLE TO HAVE HUMANS AS MATES. CHOOSE SOMEONE ELSE."

"Whoa, hey there!" Gabriel barked. "Dad, you've got to give them a chance, I mean Sammy here is _amazing_ –"

"CHOOSE SOMEONE ELSE."

"That's it?" Dean scowled. "You got a problem with us being human?"

"DO YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE TALKING TO?"

"Yeah, I've got a pretty good idea! I'm talking to a stuck-up ignorant son of a b-"

"He does not mean it, Father," Castiel said softly, holding a hand over Dean's mouth. "I ask that you reconsider."

"Um," Sam decided to give it his best shot, "I know you're thinking that we don't really live that long and you don't want your sons to go through that kind of loss, but I just want to say –"

"I DO NOT CARE THAT YOUR LIVES ARE LESS THAN A BLINK OF OURS."

"Then what is it?"

GOD turned to Gabriel and Castiel, a clear sign that Sam and Dean no longer existed as far as He was concerned. "TAKE THEM AWAY. I AM DONE TALKING TODAY."

"Dad, you can't just tell us t-"

"GABRIEL, DO NOT CHALLENGE ME. IF YOU LOVE CASTIEL IN THE LEAST, YOU WILL ALSO NOT PUT HIM IN DANGER OF YOUR FOLLY. NOW _GO_."

"Not so fast!" Lucifer and Michael stood in the doorway, the first dressed as a winged Robin and the second as a winged Batman.

Dean grimaced. "Dudes, why are you dressed like that?"

"Christmas party."

"But you don't –" Sam began.

"We know that… _now_." Michael tossed Gabriel a rather ugly look. "Apparently, costumes are for _Halloween_."

Gabriel grinned. "I didn't say anything about Batman and Robin."

That apparently prompted Lucifer to glare fiercely at Michael who, with his advanced intelligence and remarkable survival instincts, chose not to look back at him.

"AND IT IS NOT CHRISTMAS. I WOULD KNOW."

"Michael read the invitation wrong. We're a month early. But, hey, good news! They thought we looked dashing."

"And we did our civic duty by helping them clean up after their rock concert," Michael added sagely.

"Wait, you mean the rock concert with the trolls up the street?"

"Yes," Michael answered.

Gabriel laughed. "Damn, I can't believe I missed that! Was Boulder Smash there?"

"Yes," he answered again. "And he did smash boulders… on his neighbor's house. Apparently, there was a dispute over working hours under the bridge between them."

"Wonderful!"

"WHAT ARE YOU TWO DOING HERE?"

"We're here to stop you from ruining our little brothers' lives!" Lucifer declared mightily.

"You are my sidekick. Leave the dramatic announcements to me."

"Asshole."

"Hush, Robin. Batman is speaking," Michael balanced his fists on his hips, hooded eyes looking directly into his Father's. "As oldest brothers1 and 2 –"

"I'm number 1 –"

"No, you are not – we demand that you stop stunting our growth for the benefit of your own isolation. It is understandable that you are tired of your high-demand job, as are all the Gods and Goddesses, but as your children we will not stand for your thumb swatting us –"

"You mean _squashing_ us?" Dean enquired.

"I think he meant squishing," Sam whispered back, eyebrows drawn together.

"Either which."

"We are no longer newly formed entities of energy and light!" Lucifer exclaimed. "We're millions of years old and we want to move out!"

"There is that too."

Gabriel leaned against Sam's shoulder. "This is sweet." He snapped his fingers and a lollipop appeared in everyone's mouth except Lucifer's and Michael's, seeing as how they had an argument to conclude.

GOD sucked thoughtfully at His apple-flavored treat.

"Or at least give us the basement!"

"We are _not_ settling for the basement. We would love to continue visiting on the holidays but we will be taking our leave, Father. Castiel and Gabriel will be coming with us and they will be allowed to mate with their significant others."

"I WILL NOT ALLOW IT." GOD's lollipop created a crater in the wall as he spat it out. Dean was just barely pulled out of the way before plaster nearly hit the back of his head and Castiel wrapped his wings protectively around him. "NONE OF YOU WOULD KNOW HOW TO CONTROL YOURSELVES. HUMANS ARE RANDOM, IMPULSIVE CREATURES THAT WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOU."

"Wait, I thought you made us this way?" Sam looked to Gabriel for confirmation, which he didn't get because the archangel just shook his head.

"I CREATED NOTHING BUT MY OWN CHILDREN. I WAS MERELY THERE BEFORE CREATION, AS WERE ALL GODS AND GODDESSES. WE WERE THERE WHEN ALL THAT EXISTED WAS A BLANK WHITE CANVAS OF NOTHING AND WE WERE THERE WHEN FROM THIS NOTHING AN EGG WAS CONCEIVED AND HATCHED.

FROM THIS EGG CAME A BIRD AND IN THE TWINKLE OF ITS EYE WAS A SINGLE ATOM. WHEN THE BIRD TOOK FLIGHT, THE ATOM EXPLODED AND IRRITATED THE BIRD, SO IT FLEW ERRATICALLY AND CAUSED EVERYTHING WITHIN ITS EYE TO BECOME INDISCERNABLE AND FILTHY. WHEN THE BIRD'S FLIGHT SMOOTHED OUT, THINGS BEGAN TO ASSEMBLE AND CORRECT ITSELF WITHIN THE TWINKLE, AND THAT IS NOW WHERE YOUR UNIVERSE IS."

"In the twinkle of a bird's eye?" Sam snorted. "That seems very unlikely."

"DO YOU KNOW WHAT IS AT THE EDGE OF THE UNIVERSE?"

"Umm…" Sam conceded that, no, he didn't know.

"A BEAK."

"That's all beside the point," Gabriel interrupted. "The point's that Mikey and Luci over there are right – even if I didn't know it till now. We're going, we're taking our random, impulsive humans with us, and we're too old to still be here anyway!"

"WAIT." GOD looked at them and there was an honest frown on his usually inexpressive face. Finally, he lowered his head in defeat. "FINE. I WILL ALLOW YOU TWO TO MATE WITH THESE WINCHESTER BOYS. ON ONE CONDITION!" The Winchesters, who had been about to relax, went tense. Castiel petted his hand across Dean's one shoulder and Gabriel put his palm flat to Sam's hip as they waited breathlessly.

Lucifer was singing "dum dum DUM~~~" in the background until Michael slapped him over the head.

"I WANT GRANDCHILDREN."

_Author's Note: I've been reading a lot of Terry Pratchett lately._


End file.
